I know time turns without me,
forever leaving me behind.
May I pass unseen,
unnoticed day by day.
May Jakaíra, the Queen of Mist,
wrap me in her clouds.
Am I à propos
or is my obsessional behavior
bleeding through?
Is my concern obsessive
of itself?
Why can I not fathom
the thinking of others? Why
do I never belong?
an emotive flurry | robotic antifreeze | bubbles of nullity
The compass of my common sense
never finds true north.
When I was twelve years old, coming home from school, I was sexually assaulted by a stranger in a park. That event doesn’t define me—by trade, I’m a physicist and an engineer, an author and an artist. The snow globe is only a part of me, but the past is inescapable.
My chameleonics preserve
my fake solidity: me and my doppelgänger,
the innocent and out-of-focus one,
consumed in a fire of becoming.
A truth hidden in a cardboard box
glued with flour and water,
disguised with pinhole lantern projectors,
human-hair hygrometers,
diffracted spectral mysteries,
kilovolt insulators, the steel
and glass of silicon folly.
All these things are my shields,
protections for a life without myself,
lived inside a snow globe.
The Purpose of Reality short story and poetry volumes are now available for preorder at the Meerkat, on Amazon, and at other outlets. Release date is September 6. Further info from Meerkat Press, including reviews, here. The Meerkat is hosting a blog tour as well. I don’t really know what a blog tour is. I hope to find out.
artwork
The Anaerobic Flow, NikonD90 photo evolved by the visual evo engine, my software that seeks unimagined realms. 8K original image = 4 UHD screens, from the ultracubist engine. Art on Instagram four days per week.
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Mauve hearts do not cut it, daughter. Quoting Abba, ring ring why don’t you give me a call?
Well written Steve.. “my concern obsessive on itself…” is definately one of my favourite lines
Thank you.🙏 Although I’m a speculative fiction writer, reality has its uses.
Every line in this poem is a book, a heavy book. Your courage to speak up will help so many break their silence. May peace be yours, Steve.
Sobhana
Thank you, Sobhana.🧡 I can wonder about what my life would be like otherwise, but who knows? I can’t say whether it would have been better or worse. I also want to thank you for all your support. I’m sure that, without it, I wouldn’t have made the sexual assault public.🧡
Amazing and Mind blowing Steve. I love your complexities and originality. your work is unique and sometimes beautiful and as ever fascinating. Thank you.
Thank you, Margaret, 🙏 I’m embarrassed. I don’t see myself as complex, I don’t think anyone sees themselves that way. I sometimes see other people as complex, because I don’t understand their thinking.
‘A life without myself’ – such a wonderful line. Thanks for having the courage to speak truth. The snow globe is a powerful motif in my own life too. Looking forward to your book Steve. ❤️
Thank you, Nikita. 🧡 They asked me to do a post about writing for the Purpose of Reality, already written but hasn’t appeared yet. I knew it was the right time, and as Sobhana mentioned, perhaps it will help other victims.
Yes, the snow globe. I’d written everything except the last bit, but I didn’t have a title. It just popped into my head. And I’m sure the Purpose will be useful for something: if a keyboard or monitor is the wrong height, you can put it underneath. 🧡
Steve, your decision to break up the poem with the announcement of your sexual assault – a commercial sandwiched in between – makes it subtle and harsh at the same time. I love the way your mind works. I am very sorry about your assault. And like the others – thank you for sharing. I know someone who might be inspired by “snow globe.” Also, I have to look up several words while I read your posts. So thank you for expanding my vocabulary and my perspective. ❤️ So glad you are a writer.
Thank you. 🙏 I chose the layout partly as an allegory: keeping a secret inside the poem. Very glad to hear that someone might benefit from the piece. Although I wrote my first story (about time travel, unsurprisingly) for the high school magazine, I didn’t start sending anything to publishers until about twelve years ago. This is my lack of confidence and uncertainty about who I am, as above.😸 Luckily, I discovered that the sky didn’t fall when I got my first rejection.
So glad you kept going for us all.
Nicely written as usual
Thank you for reading and commenting.🙏
Oh dear Steve,
Words escape me.
My heart breaks…I’m so very sorry you went through this horror.
I will pray that your courage will indeed help others, and especially you.
💚
Thank you, Vanessa. 🧡
Once I came into the tearoom at Engineering and a friend saw me. He addressed someone sitting opposite with their back to me: “What do you think of Steve? He’s a weird one, isn’t he?” It was a joke, but I am weird, I know that, and I’ve known for a long while that I have to be who I am, accept and appreciate myself. And not keep secrets.
I knew I had to make the sexual assault public, but my mind kept finding excuses for me to delay. Then there was an invited post about writing, to appear at the Writing Forums (came out today), and I knew that if I didn’t make it public then, I never would. So I wrote this piece as well, with the personal description.
What I wrote is the truth, but it isn’t the truth all the time, and I have no complaints at all. I stop one project and start something else, with a dozen ideas going simultaneously—you would not believe some of them—and I love it. As you know, I’m a nerd 🤓, and to live in this era and have seen so many technological marvels appear, including in computing of course, is a blessing.🧡
“A life without myself” – what a fascinating concept. Although the past is inescapable, we don’t always have to carry it with us. Like birds and insects, we keep shedding layers that we no longer need.
Thanks Magarisa. 💚 Yes we change, but for me, since I was so young, it’s right at my core. The thoughts/feelings are always there but I almost never act on them.